a girl story

a stream of thought

First, some mood setting pre-listening: https://youtube.com/watch?v=YuCux-Dtk-0

I woke up early because it's a school day and I want to look nice. It's important to look nice. I might meet my soul-mate today. Anyway, I feel special and i'm going to take extra care brushing my hair and i'm going to take extra time choosing my outfit. I had a plan last night but now I think I want to be sexy lumberjack more than hipster. Shoes. OMG, shoes. I have some of those manly rubber shoes that they sell at LLBean (don't hate, I was raised in Texarkana!) That will be the only thing manly. The jockest lumberjack didn't have pecs like This little girl. I can see them now, as I walk down the hall, staring, pretending not to stare, wanting, wanting not to want. They know they can't touch this. I'm only for the head of the class, Misters. Only the best for me!

I wonder why nobody else feels that way about me. I wonder if showing off my tits makes me a slut like some people say or if it's something to be proud of like the popular bitches. Why can't people see my inner beauty!? I wish I was blessed with half as much outside as I have inside. But at least I got it where it counts. I'm going to wear my tight jeans, the Jordache with the rips on the thighs and just below my ass. My ass is flat, goddamnit, but those jeans make it look like two tennis-balls in a bubble factory. I tell you what! pow!

I shouldn't let my self-esteem be affected like that. But it sure feels good when people stare, or when you get that compliment now and then that doesn't sound like “Girl, sex sex sex sexsexsex, Sex. Sex. Girl.” Do they even think we're more than a video-game? Put in the code, out pops the pussy. Too bad it works for them so often. What's a good girl supposed to do? I tried being a bad girl but it just made me feel bad so now my self-esteem is wrecked AND confused. :( Fuck. I know I look ok. I know I can make better music than most of those assholes will ever have the beauty-sense to appreciate. I know I can put together sexy-lumberjack better than those fashionista wannabes that crowd the fountain between classes and have their nose so high they'd drown if it rains.

Who cares. I know I'm a good person and I can be pretty for the right guy. I know I'll meet him too. I always meet guys. It's just a numbers game, right? He's going to be a Real lumberjack. Or a sommelier, right? Or a lawyer maybe.. maybe not. Lawyers seem boring. I want money but I want a happy exciting life even when we're homeless for a year in Paris! Who am I kidding. I'll be with a pizza delivery guy for the rest of my life! I know he loves me but it's like a communion wafer to an Ethiopian. I need Romance. Adventure. Spice. I need to be taken and treated like a slave-princess, captured by the feminist rebel from the country with the name I can barely pronounce!

Boys. Who needs boys anyway? I can be a lesbian if I want. I'd be a great lesbian. Maybe i'll flirt with them as a sexy lesbian lumberjack just for fun. Yeah right. I'm a pariah in those circles. Something about not being girly enough or being too girly. I don't know. They don't explain it and I don't care anyway. Boys are what I need, like oxygen, like low-fat lattes twice a day because I never got to drive an SUV when I was 16 and feel like I'm making up for something. Shit. I've got to get up already. It's going to take at least 15 minutes just to eat a piece of toast without messing up my makeup. Today has to be stellar. I have to be my Best. Today is the day I rock their world.

I could use some sex. Those two, I know they have sex like behind the bleachers and in their car on the way home after school. Christ, there should be a law, condoms on if you want to walk within three feet. Holy crap! I know that look. That was an invitation! Lumberjack 1, World 0. It's On! It's weird how many people are poly anymore. What happened to one love for life? I guess that takes too much effort or something. I wonder why none of my exes ever tried to be friends. It seemed like we still got along and everything. OMG, Becky. Look at her butt! Why can't I have that? I mean, I have it today but as soon as I get home it's like, Bam, another dent in the floor. :(

School sucks. I want to hang out with my friends. If I had some friends. My “acquaintances” would never be there if I needed them. They're bitches like cats are friendly. Just wait until you turn your back. Screw that. I'm awesome! My self-esteem is so random. I wonder why it works that way. Why do I care about self-esteem anyway. Everyone hates themselves. Becky even cuts herself, and nobody knows it but me. I think she might be a real friend. Nobody shares something like that unless they trust you and nobody trusts you unless they like you, right? Maybe i'll invite her to eat together at lunch. I could use a real friend. I was so lost after we moved that I just stopped trying. It is kind of nice to be left alone but that normally means boys ignore you too. Shit.

Look at this, Boys! No, don't look that hard. OMG, Don't come over - Fuck - Walk faster.

Thank god. There is no god really. If there was a god, she wouldn't let me get into things like that. I should maybe unsexy the lumberjack some. Or is it lumberjack-ess? No, that sounds too much like Jackass. It was a creative idea though. Maybe i'll use it in a poem. Woah, it has been like three years since I've written any poetry. I should go over to Jake's house later and smoke out. Of course I might want to wear normal clothes. That guy can't keep his hands to himself. I hate that. It's not that I hate him, it's just, why can't guys you really want to like be worth liking?

Wow, that was a pretty good day. I got like three compliments. It doesn't sound like a lot but it's exactly three more than I get every other day. I don't know if it counts less because it was three horny jocks with cocks instead of brains. Who am I kidding. If I could just find a nice poet and put his brain in their body, that would make things a little warmer down south! But Abercrombie. Ew. Any dick that has been enclosed in Tommy underwear and smells like the inside of a new Prada bag isn't coming anywhere near This mama's va-jay-jay. Fuck those snobs. I'm better than them anyhow.

Why don't jocks like me? I've got an ok body and i'm willing to put out if they follow the rules! I really do hate them though. Why do they get all the good parties and everything else that we all want? I could be a jock but what was the best volleyball party you ever went to? Yeah. Damn, I could totally do that! Maybe i'll join varsity volleyball. I can let my girls out to play AND arrange the most badass volleyball parties ever! I hope they like me. I'm not really as sporty as all that. I played soccer once for a summer and I think book club counts. LOL. I crack me up.

I am so sad I didn't get to see Becky today. I really think we have a connection. I should have been talking to her more because I know we're going to be best friends very soon. I think I'll flirt with Jake tonight too. He never invites me over but I know he's looking at me like I'm money when I come gift my special princess self with a bowl of his best pot. I wonder why guys let us do stuff like that? We never put out unless we were already going to anyway. They're so dumb not to get it. It's in their face all the time. We're not just pussies, we're Cats, baby. Little girly lions who have our way with their jungle. Rawr.

I'm so pissed. Becky still hasn't returned my txt and it's been like two hours now! Jake is a real asshole anyway. Who wants to play Call of Duty with their friends when a hot girl wants to come sit in their lap? He must be stupid or something. This milkshake brings All the boys to the yard.

I'm so lonely.